Friday, October 30, 2009

Depression and MS

This post probably isn't going to be very uplifting. I don't want to get you down, but down is how I feel today. Depression is a very real illness. I've seen it nearly destroy my Dad, and I feel it's effects every day.

I'm feeling trapped out here in the country. I know I need to be able to drive a car, but it's a frightening thing for me. What if a symptom comes on while I'm driving? I could kill someone. But I'm stuck out here with nothing to do. No meaningful work, no work at all. I've been thinking about a part time job, but how will I get to it? I want to work in a bookstore or grooming animals. Disability is not enough for the cost of living. All the jobs I want to apply for are a 30 minute drive away, into the city. I do have my learners permit, but I have no one to drive with. If I did manage to get my license some how, I still won't have a vehicle.

Disability doesn't really help in that area. My worker isn't working very hard for me either. I've asked for that dang package on all the things they can do to help a person on Disability find work, and nothing! She even reamed me out on the phone for not having all my bills on-hand when she called me one day (which I wasn't expecting). I own this house. I inherited it from my Dad, and with his life insurance I paid off the mortgage. So this is all mine, and yet she made me feel horrible, even guilty for owning my own home at age 22. I want a new worker. I need information on transportation programs, schooling, jobs, anything I can get my hands on to DO something. I don't want to be stuck here all my life crying over my MS! Plus I've heard that Disability provides help on things like a gym membership. I could certainly use that. My doc told me I have to work my muscles. I'm a small person, so most people just say "Oh you don't need to work out your fine the way you are". Well this isn't a weight issue. I can barely walk up the road to get the mail without reeling. My body has been deconditoned from lack of activity. My neurologist explained it all to me, and how to build it back up. I absolutly LOVE to swim, and the gyms have pools. Why is my worker ignoring me!

Anyway, all this is getting me down, and I wasn't standing very tall to begin with. Oh mum I wish you were here.

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